My mind is heavy tonight. Part of that is from my headache/migraine/throbbing nonsense. Part of it is from a very long day at work. Part of it is catching up on all the tributes and discussions relating to Robin Williams's death. Let's start with that last one.
Suicide is something that is always sad. "Sad" may seem like an understatement here, but I truly can't think of a better word to capture the emotion. Tragic, horrible, gutwrenching... Yes, it is those things too. But strip it down to it's core and it is sad. Like when you feel happy in it's purest form, the other words are only fragments of what you're experiencing. Hearing about suicide... it makes me sad in an all encompassing sort of way. Some people don't get it, how you can take your own life. I do get it. I've been at that point before, and more than once. For me, it was less about wanting to die, and more about just being at a point where you feel so lost and so empty and so worthless that the thought of enduring on like that is just overwhelming. When I was suicidal it wasn't so much that I wanted to kill myself as it was that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Part of that was uncontrolled depression, part of it was some other stuff. Having been to that low and moved past it to a much nicer high, it always makes me very sorrowful to hear when someone isn't able to also move past that low. When it's the funny people who die, it almost makes it seem worse. It's not any worse, but it feels that way. It feel like they seem like they've already found their high place, and then it was just a lie. There is a very good article over at Cracked right now about how many funny people are funny as a defense mechanism, as a mask to hide their pain. For them being funny is a coping mechanism. For those who kill themselves, in a way suicide is a coping mechanism as well. I understand it. But it's still sad.
All I can say is this. If you feel depressed, if you feel suicidal, if you feel unhappy, overwhelmed, anxious, miserable, etc... There Is Help. There Is Hope. God doesn't intend for us to live our lives this way. He will help you through whatever it is you're struggling with. There are so many community resources out there for those who are suffering. And you might at first come across the hospital workers who are snotty and roll their eyes. And you might come across the doctors who are just as bad as the hospital workers. And you might feel like they just want to babysit you or treat you with kid gloves. And all of that might be true.... but there is also much better help out there. The ones I described are often the ones who are so used to dealing with the lowest, most severe cases that they have no choice but to play it safe. They might be so used to working with the manipulators and liars, that they tend to doubt most people's authenticity when it comes to their problems. But when you move beyond them, there are just as many - nay more - people who genuinely give a fuck about you for the person that you are. I work in mental health, I work SMI (seriously mentally ill - the crazy of the crazies). I care about all of my clients, even the ones I have difficulty standing. I want nothing but health and happiness for my clients, all of them. And I have a professional contempt for those who work in my field and don't have that same level of care and compassion.
This leads me to my day at work. What was so bad about it? One of my client's managed to have a meltdown the day we wanted to take them off Court Ordered Treatment, thus resulting in that not happening. What's so bad about that? They don't need to be on COT, and both myself and the doctor strongly believe that they would benefit from being off it. However, when the client had a meltdown (over something stupid), their behavior prevented the doctor from being able to ethically say that the client is ready to come off COT. The client is paranoid that no one is on their side. Which isn't true. The client, the doctor and myself all want the same things, but it wasn't able to happen. And that breaks my fucking heart to have to watch that. Knowing how close they were to being off COT, knowing how close they were to having a major improvement to their situation, and then seeing it get sabotaged (over something stupid)... it's just heartbreaking. This happened to me first thing this morning. And for the rest of the day it was weighing on me.
Why am I bothering to share this? Because people really do care when others are miserable. They care when you're not doing well. Some people in the field are jaded, and personally I think they shouldn't be there if they are, but they are and that's a fact. If you need help, move beyond them. I know that seems unfair to you, but I promise you it's worth it. Because when you find that person in your life who gives a shit, whether its friend or family or professional... when you find them it makes your struggle soooo much easier to manage knowing you can go to them. And when you stick to it long enough you'll sort through the BS and find what helps you. And if you feel like there is No One, I encourage you to remember this: The God who created the universe knows who you are, He knows everything about you, He loves you, He has died for you so that you don't have to suffer, and He will gladly help you carry and get rid of the burdens you bear. I dunno about you, but that's pretty fucking awesome to think about.
So that was my really long winded way of saying I encourage you to get help for yourself if you need it. I did, and it changed my life, and now I'm able to be the help for others as best as I'm able to. You are meant to live, and you are meant to live a life that is not full of misery. Go after that.
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