Sunday, August 31, 2014
It'll Be Okay
I'm at one of those points in my life where I have no idea how things will end up being okay... I just know they will be. God promises to take care of us, and I know he's got a path out of all this for me. I'm thankful for that, because otherwise, I'd just be kind of overwhelmed and frustrated right now. It will be okay. I am taken care of.
Wednesday, August 13, 2014
We Were Meant To Live For So Much More
My mind is heavy tonight. Part of that is from my headache/migraine/throbbing nonsense. Part of it is from a very long day at work. Part of it is catching up on all the tributes and discussions relating to Robin Williams's death. Let's start with that last one.
Suicide is something that is always sad. "Sad" may seem like an understatement here, but I truly can't think of a better word to capture the emotion. Tragic, horrible, gutwrenching... Yes, it is those things too. But strip it down to it's core and it is sad. Like when you feel happy in it's purest form, the other words are only fragments of what you're experiencing. Hearing about suicide... it makes me sad in an all encompassing sort of way. Some people don't get it, how you can take your own life. I do get it. I've been at that point before, and more than once. For me, it was less about wanting to die, and more about just being at a point where you feel so lost and so empty and so worthless that the thought of enduring on like that is just overwhelming. When I was suicidal it wasn't so much that I wanted to kill myself as it was that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Part of that was uncontrolled depression, part of it was some other stuff. Having been to that low and moved past it to a much nicer high, it always makes me very sorrowful to hear when someone isn't able to also move past that low. When it's the funny people who die, it almost makes it seem worse. It's not any worse, but it feels that way. It feel like they seem like they've already found their high place, and then it was just a lie. There is a very good article over at Cracked right now about how many funny people are funny as a defense mechanism, as a mask to hide their pain. For them being funny is a coping mechanism. For those who kill themselves, in a way suicide is a coping mechanism as well. I understand it. But it's still sad.
All I can say is this. If you feel depressed, if you feel suicidal, if you feel unhappy, overwhelmed, anxious, miserable, etc... There Is Help. There Is Hope. God doesn't intend for us to live our lives this way. He will help you through whatever it is you're struggling with. There are so many community resources out there for those who are suffering. And you might at first come across the hospital workers who are snotty and roll their eyes. And you might come across the doctors who are just as bad as the hospital workers. And you might feel like they just want to babysit you or treat you with kid gloves. And all of that might be true.... but there is also much better help out there. The ones I described are often the ones who are so used to dealing with the lowest, most severe cases that they have no choice but to play it safe. They might be so used to working with the manipulators and liars, that they tend to doubt most people's authenticity when it comes to their problems. But when you move beyond them, there are just as many - nay more - people who genuinely give a fuck about you for the person that you are. I work in mental health, I work SMI (seriously mentally ill - the crazy of the crazies). I care about all of my clients, even the ones I have difficulty standing. I want nothing but health and happiness for my clients, all of them. And I have a professional contempt for those who work in my field and don't have that same level of care and compassion.
This leads me to my day at work. What was so bad about it? One of my client's managed to have a meltdown the day we wanted to take them off Court Ordered Treatment, thus resulting in that not happening. What's so bad about that? They don't need to be on COT, and both myself and the doctor strongly believe that they would benefit from being off it. However, when the client had a meltdown (over something stupid), their behavior prevented the doctor from being able to ethically say that the client is ready to come off COT. The client is paranoid that no one is on their side. Which isn't true. The client, the doctor and myself all want the same things, but it wasn't able to happen. And that breaks my fucking heart to have to watch that. Knowing how close they were to being off COT, knowing how close they were to having a major improvement to their situation, and then seeing it get sabotaged (over something stupid)... it's just heartbreaking. This happened to me first thing this morning. And for the rest of the day it was weighing on me.
Why am I bothering to share this? Because people really do care when others are miserable. They care when you're not doing well. Some people in the field are jaded, and personally I think they shouldn't be there if they are, but they are and that's a fact. If you need help, move beyond them. I know that seems unfair to you, but I promise you it's worth it. Because when you find that person in your life who gives a shit, whether its friend or family or professional... when you find them it makes your struggle soooo much easier to manage knowing you can go to them. And when you stick to it long enough you'll sort through the BS and find what helps you. And if you feel like there is No One, I encourage you to remember this: The God who created the universe knows who you are, He knows everything about you, He loves you, He has died for you so that you don't have to suffer, and He will gladly help you carry and get rid of the burdens you bear. I dunno about you, but that's pretty fucking awesome to think about.
So that was my really long winded way of saying I encourage you to get help for yourself if you need it. I did, and it changed my life, and now I'm able to be the help for others as best as I'm able to. You are meant to live, and you are meant to live a life that is not full of misery. Go after that.
Suicide is something that is always sad. "Sad" may seem like an understatement here, but I truly can't think of a better word to capture the emotion. Tragic, horrible, gutwrenching... Yes, it is those things too. But strip it down to it's core and it is sad. Like when you feel happy in it's purest form, the other words are only fragments of what you're experiencing. Hearing about suicide... it makes me sad in an all encompassing sort of way. Some people don't get it, how you can take your own life. I do get it. I've been at that point before, and more than once. For me, it was less about wanting to die, and more about just being at a point where you feel so lost and so empty and so worthless that the thought of enduring on like that is just overwhelming. When I was suicidal it wasn't so much that I wanted to kill myself as it was that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Part of that was uncontrolled depression, part of it was some other stuff. Having been to that low and moved past it to a much nicer high, it always makes me very sorrowful to hear when someone isn't able to also move past that low. When it's the funny people who die, it almost makes it seem worse. It's not any worse, but it feels that way. It feel like they seem like they've already found their high place, and then it was just a lie. There is a very good article over at Cracked right now about how many funny people are funny as a defense mechanism, as a mask to hide their pain. For them being funny is a coping mechanism. For those who kill themselves, in a way suicide is a coping mechanism as well. I understand it. But it's still sad.
All I can say is this. If you feel depressed, if you feel suicidal, if you feel unhappy, overwhelmed, anxious, miserable, etc... There Is Help. There Is Hope. God doesn't intend for us to live our lives this way. He will help you through whatever it is you're struggling with. There are so many community resources out there for those who are suffering. And you might at first come across the hospital workers who are snotty and roll their eyes. And you might come across the doctors who are just as bad as the hospital workers. And you might feel like they just want to babysit you or treat you with kid gloves. And all of that might be true.... but there is also much better help out there. The ones I described are often the ones who are so used to dealing with the lowest, most severe cases that they have no choice but to play it safe. They might be so used to working with the manipulators and liars, that they tend to doubt most people's authenticity when it comes to their problems. But when you move beyond them, there are just as many - nay more - people who genuinely give a fuck about you for the person that you are. I work in mental health, I work SMI (seriously mentally ill - the crazy of the crazies). I care about all of my clients, even the ones I have difficulty standing. I want nothing but health and happiness for my clients, all of them. And I have a professional contempt for those who work in my field and don't have that same level of care and compassion.
This leads me to my day at work. What was so bad about it? One of my client's managed to have a meltdown the day we wanted to take them off Court Ordered Treatment, thus resulting in that not happening. What's so bad about that? They don't need to be on COT, and both myself and the doctor strongly believe that they would benefit from being off it. However, when the client had a meltdown (over something stupid), their behavior prevented the doctor from being able to ethically say that the client is ready to come off COT. The client is paranoid that no one is on their side. Which isn't true. The client, the doctor and myself all want the same things, but it wasn't able to happen. And that breaks my fucking heart to have to watch that. Knowing how close they were to being off COT, knowing how close they were to having a major improvement to their situation, and then seeing it get sabotaged (over something stupid)... it's just heartbreaking. This happened to me first thing this morning. And for the rest of the day it was weighing on me.
Why am I bothering to share this? Because people really do care when others are miserable. They care when you're not doing well. Some people in the field are jaded, and personally I think they shouldn't be there if they are, but they are and that's a fact. If you need help, move beyond them. I know that seems unfair to you, but I promise you it's worth it. Because when you find that person in your life who gives a shit, whether its friend or family or professional... when you find them it makes your struggle soooo much easier to manage knowing you can go to them. And when you stick to it long enough you'll sort through the BS and find what helps you. And if you feel like there is No One, I encourage you to remember this: The God who created the universe knows who you are, He knows everything about you, He loves you, He has died for you so that you don't have to suffer, and He will gladly help you carry and get rid of the burdens you bear. I dunno about you, but that's pretty fucking awesome to think about.
So that was my really long winded way of saying I encourage you to get help for yourself if you need it. I did, and it changed my life, and now I'm able to be the help for others as best as I'm able to. You are meant to live, and you are meant to live a life that is not full of misery. Go after that.
Saturday, August 2, 2014
This Ended Up Being Me Writing About God
Nothing in particular to talk about tonight, but I feel really happy and at peace tonight. I've spent the week spending time with good people, and it's nice. Right now, I'm gonna write this up, then I'm gonna go read my book some and then sleep. And I can sleep all through the night and I can sleep in tomorrow, which will be a first in several weeks, so that will be nice. Either I've been on call for Victim Services, or I've had work. But it's nice just to sleep in sometimes. And I think my body needs it after doing a fast last week.
Oh yeah, haven't shared about that yet. I do a Bible Study with a group of friends on Thursdays. One of the people in it, the guy who leads it, is leaving for school soon, and this week was our last week with him for a while. He wanted to use this week as a sort of prayer session, asking God for healing and safety and whatever else we need. We did a fast the week leading up to it, as the Bible teaches that there are certain things that require prayer and fasting in order to see happen. Anyhow, I did a juice fast, which was bleh. I don't know how people do that for fad diets. God got me through that one, and it was not fun. But I'm glad I did it, and I'd do it again for God. It opened up conversations about my faith with people, and that was really good, because I'm not very forward about sharing my faith with others. Usually I wait for others to bring it up, and then will talk about it. I need to work on that. I don't want to shove it down other people's throats by any means, but I do want to share about God.
Lately I feel like He's pulling me closer and closer again. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and I kinda love it. It's just so.... good. God is good, and when He's pulling you back, it's awesome. Seeing all the things He's doing for me, providing for me, blessing me, protecting me... it just reminds me of His glory, His love, His power. And then to think that, considering all that He is, He still chose me to be His.... there just really aren't words to describe that feeling. God of the entire universe chose me to be His child, chose me to die for, chose me to love and to provide the way to eternal life for.... that's so humbling, and so amazing. What an awesome God I serve.
I've spent so many years feeling alone and lost and like I just couldn't feel God anymore, and to have that back.... I'm so thankful for it. There aren't words, except for thank you God. Thank you and all the praise and glory I have to offer are Yours.
Oh yeah, haven't shared about that yet. I do a Bible Study with a group of friends on Thursdays. One of the people in it, the guy who leads it, is leaving for school soon, and this week was our last week with him for a while. He wanted to use this week as a sort of prayer session, asking God for healing and safety and whatever else we need. We did a fast the week leading up to it, as the Bible teaches that there are certain things that require prayer and fasting in order to see happen. Anyhow, I did a juice fast, which was bleh. I don't know how people do that for fad diets. God got me through that one, and it was not fun. But I'm glad I did it, and I'd do it again for God. It opened up conversations about my faith with people, and that was really good, because I'm not very forward about sharing my faith with others. Usually I wait for others to bring it up, and then will talk about it. I need to work on that. I don't want to shove it down other people's throats by any means, but I do want to share about God.
Lately I feel like He's pulling me closer and closer again. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and I kinda love it. It's just so.... good. God is good, and when He's pulling you back, it's awesome. Seeing all the things He's doing for me, providing for me, blessing me, protecting me... it just reminds me of His glory, His love, His power. And then to think that, considering all that He is, He still chose me to be His.... there just really aren't words to describe that feeling. God of the entire universe chose me to be His child, chose me to die for, chose me to love and to provide the way to eternal life for.... that's so humbling, and so amazing. What an awesome God I serve.
I've spent so many years feeling alone and lost and like I just couldn't feel God anymore, and to have that back.... I'm so thankful for it. There aren't words, except for thank you God. Thank you and all the praise and glory I have to offer are Yours.
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