Uncertainty Sucks

I've been feeling lost lately. That's not something I particularly care to admit, both because of pride and because it's something that scares me. I've spent the last year and half feeling like I'm moving forward, like I'm making progress in life. And now... now I feel like I'm standing in the middle of the road trying to figure out if I read the map right.

Most of this is related to work. Right now there's a lot of changes coming for my field, and many of the preparations are already here. This isn't exactly bad in and of itself. However, it's created an exceptional amount of stress for me, and in addition to that quite a few of my clients are having a rough go of things lately. To say I'm overworked and underpaid is to state the obvious at pretty much any given time in my line of work, but it feels exceptionally pronounced right now. And I feel myself wondering what on earth to do about it all. I never particularly intended on staying at this job more than a relatively short time period, but right now I'm seriously wanting to jump ship. Only thing is, I don't know where I'd go from here. I'm not quite in a position to go back to school yet. I'm not in any position to not have a job. And most of the other jobs in the field that I could hold with a Bachelor's would likely have the same things as my current job. On top of that, I really don't want to quit. Again, part of that is pride. But part of it is that I like the work I do. I like working with my clients. I like seeing the change going on in their life, connecting with them, and trying to help as best I can. A good chunk of them have been on my caseload from the beginning and we've got a good rapport built up. I want to continue working with them for a while longer. No, not forever, but for a while. If I could just work with them, and not have to worry about the paperwork/compliance/productivity/ management/bureaucracy side of things, I think I could be happy there forever. But right now the latter part of that is really making me question everything.

I just feel lost. Do I stay? Do I go? Where would I go? What would I do? See, I take forever to make decisions about this kind of thing. I like to mull things over little by little until a picture forms and sticks. I don't really know where I want to go in my career. Well that's not entirely true. I know I want to go back to school and become a licensed therapist. However, I'm not ready to take that on yet, mentally or financially. I'm not sure where I want to go between where I'm at now and doing that. I also have some financial obligations that I need to take into consideration, not the least being the need for slightly more income that I currently earn in order to pay down some debts. But I get this sense that I'm running out of time to figure it out. And I just feel lost and discouraged.

If you read this, pray for me. I'm praying too but I don't feel like I've received an answer yet.

Feeling Blah

Things have been hard for me lately. I don't know why either. Things that usually aren't hard feel so overwhelming to me. I find myself in a daze. I can't even think clearly because there's so much weight of whatever this is. I hate this feeling. I hate that I don't know what's causing it. I hate that I don't know how to make it go away. I hate this.

It'll Be Okay

I'm at one of those points in my life where I have no idea how things will end up being okay... I just know they will be. God promises to take care of us, and I know he's got a path out of all this for me. I'm thankful for that, because otherwise, I'd just be kind of overwhelmed and frustrated right now. It will be okay. I am taken care of.

We Were Meant To Live For So Much More

My mind is heavy tonight. Part of that is from my headache/migraine/throbbing nonsense. Part of it is from a very long day at work. Part of it is catching up on all the tributes and discussions relating to Robin Williams's death. Let's start with that last one.

Suicide is something that is always sad. "Sad" may seem like an understatement here, but I truly can't think of a better word to capture the emotion. Tragic, horrible, gutwrenching... Yes, it is those things too. But strip it down to it's core and it is sad. Like when  you feel happy in it's purest form, the other words are only fragments of what you're experiencing. Hearing about suicide... it makes me sad in an all encompassing sort of way. Some people don't get it, how you can take your own life. I do get it. I've been at that point before, and more than once. For me, it was less about wanting to die, and more about just being at a point where you feel so lost and so empty and so worthless that the thought of enduring on like that is just overwhelming. When I was suicidal it wasn't so much that I wanted to kill myself as it was that I didn't want to be alive anymore. Part of that was uncontrolled depression, part of it was some other stuff. Having been to that low and moved past it to a much nicer high, it always makes me very sorrowful to hear when someone isn't able to also move past that low. When it's the funny people who die, it almost makes it seem worse. It's not any worse, but it feels that way. It feel like they seem like they've already found their high place, and then it was just a lie. There is a very good article over at Cracked right now about how many funny people are funny as a defense mechanism, as a mask to hide their pain. For them being funny is a coping mechanism. For those who kill themselves, in a way suicide is a coping mechanism as well. I understand it. But it's still sad.

All I can say is this. If you feel depressed, if you feel suicidal, if you feel unhappy, overwhelmed, anxious, miserable, etc... There Is Help. There Is Hope. God doesn't intend for us to live our lives this way. He will help you through whatever it is you're struggling with. There are so many community resources out there for those who are suffering. And you might at first come across the hospital workers who are snotty and roll their eyes. And you might come across the doctors who are just as bad as the hospital workers. And you might feel like they just want to babysit you or treat you with kid gloves. And all of that might be true.... but there is also much better help out there. The ones I described are often the ones who are so used to dealing with the lowest, most severe cases that they have no choice but to play it safe. They might be so used to working with the manipulators and liars, that they tend to doubt most people's authenticity when it comes to their problems. But when you move beyond them, there are just as many - nay more - people who genuinely give a fuck about you for the person that you are. I work in mental health, I work SMI (seriously mentally ill - the crazy of the crazies). I care about all of my clients, even the ones I have difficulty standing. I want nothing but health and happiness for my clients, all of them. And I have a professional contempt for those who work in my field and don't have that same level of care and compassion.

This leads me to my day at work. What was so bad about it? One of my client's managed to have a meltdown the day we wanted to take them off Court Ordered Treatment, thus resulting in that not happening. What's so bad about that? They don't need to be on COT, and both myself and the doctor strongly believe that they would benefit from being off it. However, when the client had a meltdown (over something stupid), their behavior prevented the doctor from being able to ethically say that the client is ready to come off COT. The client is paranoid that no one is on their side. Which isn't true. The client, the doctor and myself all want the same things, but it wasn't able to happen. And that breaks my fucking heart to have to watch that. Knowing how close they were to being off COT, knowing how close they were to having a major improvement to their situation, and then seeing it get sabotaged (over something stupid)... it's just heartbreaking. This happened to me first thing this morning. And for the rest of the day it was weighing on me.

Why am I bothering to share this? Because people really do care when others are miserable. They care when you're not doing well. Some people in the field  are jaded, and personally I think they shouldn't be there if they are, but they are and that's a fact. If you need help, move beyond them. I know that seems unfair to you, but I promise you it's worth it. Because when you find that person in your life who gives a shit, whether its friend or family or professional... when you find them it makes your struggle soooo much easier to manage knowing you can go to them. And when you stick to it long enough you'll sort through the BS and find what helps you. And if you feel like there is No One, I encourage you to remember this: The God who created the universe knows who you are, He knows everything about you, He loves you, He has died for you so that you don't have to suffer, and He will gladly help you carry and get rid of the burdens you bear. I dunno about you, but that's pretty fucking awesome to think about.

So that was my really long winded way of saying I encourage you to get help for yourself if you need it. I did, and it changed my life, and now I'm able to be the help for others as best as I'm able to. You are meant to live, and you are meant to live a life that is not full of misery. Go after that. 

This Ended Up Being Me Writing About God

Nothing in particular to talk about tonight, but I feel really happy and at peace tonight. I've spent the week spending time with good people, and it's nice. Right now, I'm gonna write this up, then I'm gonna go read my book some and then sleep. And I can sleep all through the night and I can sleep in tomorrow, which will be a first in several weeks, so that will be nice. Either I've been on call for Victim Services, or I've had work. But it's nice just to sleep in sometimes. And I think my body needs it after doing a fast last week.

Oh yeah, haven't shared about that yet. I do a Bible Study with a group of friends on Thursdays. One of the people in it, the guy who leads it, is leaving for school soon, and this week was our last week with him for a while. He wanted to use this week as a sort of prayer session, asking God for healing and safety and whatever else we need. We did a fast the week leading up to it, as the Bible teaches that there are certain things that require prayer and fasting in order to see happen. Anyhow, I did a juice fast, which was bleh. I don't know how people do that for fad diets. God got me through that one, and it was not fun. But I'm glad I did it, and I'd do it again for God. It opened up conversations about my faith with people, and that was really good, because I'm not very forward about sharing my faith with others. Usually I wait for others to bring it up, and then will talk about it. I need to work on that. I don't want to shove it down other people's throats by any means, but I do want to share about God.

Lately I feel like He's pulling me closer and closer again. It's been a long time since I've felt this way, and I kinda love it. It's just so.... good. God is good, and when He's pulling you back, it's awesome. Seeing all the things He's doing for me, providing for me, blessing me, protecting me... it just reminds me of His glory, His love, His power. And then to think that, considering all that He is, He still chose me to be His.... there just really aren't words to describe that feeling. God of the entire universe chose me to be His child, chose me to die for, chose me to love and to provide the way to eternal life for.... that's so humbling, and so amazing. What an awesome God I serve.

I've spent so many years feeling alone and lost and like I just couldn't feel God anymore, and to have that back.... I'm so thankful for it. There aren't words, except for thank you God. Thank you and all the praise and glory I have to offer are Yours.

Lazy Sunday....

Do you ever find yourself exhausted for no apparent reason? That's been me this weekend. In a weird way it's been nice, because I ended up sleeping a lot more than usual, and my body really seems to appreciate that. It's also helped me get caught up on doing stuff, because my lack of motivation to leave my apartment, combined with my not wanting to be bored led me to get my laundry done and clean my house. So now it's Sunday afternoon, and all my clothes and sheets and towels are clean and hung up, and my apartment is clean (or as clean as it can be without yet owning a vacuum), and my dog is bathed and brushed. So I'm feeling very clean and very rested. Which I think is a great way to feel at the end of the weekend.

At my work we talk a lot about self care. For those of you who don't know what that term means, it's pretty much what you'd think it is. Self care is intentionally making sure you are taking care of yourself (physically, emotionally, mentally, socially, etc.). In the health industry we get reminded of it a lot, because the cold hard truth is that it's hard to give quality care to someone else if you're not taking care of yourself and you're running on empty. Additionally, you end up burning out much faster and much less gloriously than a shooting star. But I've noticed that self care is important period, regardless of if you work in healthcare or not. Self care is, by its very nature, something that is good for you.

Once upon a time, I was horrendously incapable of good self care, and it was destroying me. I would forget to eat regularly, I wasn't managing my mental health at all, I was stressed out by college, my sleep pattern was non-existent, and I spent all my time and energy taking care of others. Me being as stubborn as I am, it took a long while to start to listen when others told me I needed to take a step back and focus on myself before trying to save the world. When I finally did start actually taking care of myself (in a variety of different ways), it improved my life so much. I felt less stressed, I felt okay telling people that I needed space, and I was just a happier person overall for it. It was also easier to recognize when I was upset, because there was a noticeable difference, rather than just always being upset from everything.

Anyhow, this weekend was a good self-care weekend for me. I rested up, restored my environment, and also hung out with my favorite people last night.  I invite whoever is reading this to find time this week to take care of yourself. Pamper yourself or do something that will help you unwind. If you need some quiet time, take it. If you've been avoiding people, go socialize. Do something you enjoy, and do something to nourish yourself physically and mentally and any other way you might be needing it. Whether it's spending 5 minutes meditating, or taking all weekend to relax, give a little love to yourself at some point this week.

An Introduction

Hello to You Dear Reader!

My name's Rissa, and at the moment, I'm writing this because I'm bored, and I feel the need to write something. So I made a new blog and thought I'd write something here. Why a blog? Seemed appropriate somehow. I enjoy writing my thoughts out, but sometimes just writing them down isn't enough. Sometimes you need to share it with people, even if they are strangers on the internet who may never actually read this. But at least with a blog you put it out there and open the door that someone else might see it. Funny how that's a comforting thought. 

Anyhow, a bit about me. I'm a year out of college, spending my days working as a case manager for adults who are living with Serious Mentally Illnesses. That sort of introduction tends to scare people off, but I actually really love my job. I enjoy the idea that I can be there for someone when they need it, that I can offer them at least an ear to listen when they need it. If I'm lucky, I can offer them more than that, whether it's advice or resources or compassion or genuine concern for their well-being. I really think that there are a lot of people out there who just need to know that someone cares, and I do care and I try my best to share that with them. Sometimes when I'm really lucky, I get to see and hear confirmation that I helped in some small way to better their lives. That's a really nice feeling, knowing you helped out. And it's just absolutely awesome seeing positive changes happening for people. Today a client shared that they have landed a job, are signed up for continuing education classes in the Fall, are taking steps towards resolving some personal issues, and want to stop smoking. A few weeks ago this person shared that they were having a hard time with their sobriety and depression because of the discouraging loss of their past job. Getting the update from them today and seeing all the good that's happening for them was really, really, really awesome, and I might have spent the rest of the afternoon walking around smiling like a loon.

So yeah, I love my job. What else about me? I really love music and books and quotes. I like to watch swimming, baseball and college basketball. I also really love roses. One day I will visit and/or live in London. I fangirl hard over shows I love, especially Doctor Who and Harry Potter. I just moved out for the first time, and I'm really liking that. It's very lovely having my own space. I also have my own dog for the first time. He's a Schnauzer-Poodle mix (a Schnoodle!) and his name is Jack. He's one of the best dogs you could ask for. Right now he's curled up next to me snoozing, and he looks absolutely adorable.

Rereading through the above paragraphs makes it sound like I'm this super happy person, who's high on life. I wouldn't necessarily say that's accurate, and my friends would probably die laughing if anyone ever described me that way. But I will say this, after spending many, many, many years feeling miserable about all sorts of things, I'm very pleased that I've reached a better state of being. I don't hate the world anymore, I'm taking steps towards being who I want to be and where I want to be in life, and I'm finding that I enjoy life a lot these days. Not all the time, and not everything is perfect all the time. Sometimes I'm still a sarcastic, snarky, witchy person, who easily looks on the doom and gloom side of things. But I've come a long way in the last few years, and instead of being that person all the time, I'm only her sometimes. The rest of the time I'm someone who is hopeful, who cares deeply, who finds the silver linings amongst the clouds, and who enjoys the good things that are happening in life. 

I dunno quite what I plan on doing with this blog, what the purpose of it is. I imagine I'll use the space to ramble and muse and share stories or cool tidbits, probably to occasionally vent. I'm glad you took the time to read through this, and I hope you'll stick around and share in my life a little bit as I share it with you.

Cheers! 

~Rissa